


Blood Runs Black

by girlycards



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Attachment theory, Gen, Warnings Will Be Added as Needed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29459211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlycards/pseuds/girlycards
Summary: Amidst the destruction following London, Integra and Seras struggle with navigating a close bond, whether the binds of circumstance, trust, or romance, and what it means for both their futures.[read author's note: this is a partial re-write of previous works]
Relationships: Integra Hellsing & Seras Victoria
Kudos: 6





	1. If The Earth Ends In Fire

**Author's Note:**

> TL;DR Author had a mighty need, author has made enormous stride in therapy, author wants another go at reconciling gonzo vs ultimate Integra and Seras, author wants to discuss all the things they are learning in attachment based therapy  
> This pulls a great deal from Live By The Sword, so the first chapter appears to line up with a lot (especially at the beginning & some familiar characters c: and in part due to thinking the post-London would have happened a certain away & treating a lot of events as fixed, and that way it can be read without having to read LBTS)-- There’s a lot I wanted to change and adjust nearly a year later, but didn’t want to edit the main fic beyond recognition. So behold, a combination of Live By The Sword, my own personal growth and what-not (if you’ve been following me anywhere except here you’ll know I’ve made some enormous strides the past 1-2 months with a new therapist and I am embarassed by how some of my issues shine through in my work but c: I am not ashamed anymore to admit I have some major issues & a lot of trauma but I am working on it, and I hope this work reflects that c:), and some bits pulled from my other works. I also am not sure how long I intend it to be for certain but chapters are going to be *much* longer than my other works.  
> You can also read my self-crit and a vague attachment theory commentary on Live By The Sword here  
> [here](https://vampiresandvindiction.tumblr.com/post/643447465806331904/live-by-the-sword-attachment-theory)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from Marina's Immortal

## 1987 - Hellsing Mansion

Her father laid there, and Walter stood beside her. And she was listening with surprising calmness.

Each word exchanged with increased intent. Hours of lessons continued even with her father’s ailing health. Any tears were swiftly silenced and brushed away on her shirt sleeve. And a sharp inhale.

"There are many immortal monsters who roam this Earth. When I look at them, I wonder, were they created out of a desire for immortality? Many of them desire war. I've seen them roaming the bloodiest battlefields, but in their battle cries, I hear a craving. I think they cry out, for death. Nosferatu, the No-Life King. His castle, his kingdom, its people, his loved ones, even his very identity; everything was lost. All that remains is a pale shadow, wandering from battle to battle. I have come to believe that those frightening immortals are, in fact, frail, sobbing children."

The lessons were clear, that even at her darkest hour, she did not give in to the desire for immortality. And of course that she would, or should, never be that—a vampire—or a frail, sobbing child.

## 29 September 1999 - Hellsing Mansion

“Don’t close your eyes!"

It was like a switch. The click of the gun between gloved hands. The gun shot at the Major. The lights turning out. Something changing. That same fear she had felt long ago, stumbling down the stairs of the basement, her uncle after her. That same frail, sobbing child running down the footsteps, losing everything even nearly her own life.

## April 1987- Hellsing Mansion

Abandonment. A terrifying thing to feel and fear of it can truly drive even the sanest person to the absolute brink of insanity And what can you do? You can run with it, against it, towards. But you can never expect it.

Feet stumbled down steps. Dust coated her socks, her skirt, her blouse, her shoes, but that was the least of her worries. She would later throw them away, to forget this day. To destroy every feeling

_He promised a knight. A savior._

A corpse.

A shot.

And then Alucard.

Someone who could not abandon her.

## 29 September 1999 9:32 am - London

But he did. So did Walter. Everyone. And now there was Seras.

“Seras… take us home.”

She flew up, and through blurred, bloody vision, Integra could see the damage. Much of the blood had disappeared, but that did not stop her own blurring the vision. She would have to return within a few hours to find remnants of Alucard’s seal. The sun was rising, and exhaustion was setting in. She felt a thump as Seras landed on the destroyed lawn of the Hellsing mansion.

“...Sir Integra. Your eye is still bleeding.”

She wrestled to get out of Seras’s arms until she was free and standing. She reached her hand up to touch her eye, fixing her glasses back on the bridge of her nose. She also adjusted her trench coat back onto her shoulders, despite being quite burned and dirty.“There are more pressing issues.”

“Let me.”

Integra’s working eye glanced at her. The adrenaline that had dulled the pain was slowly fading. She would have to deal with it eventually.

“Sit,” Seras gestured her head towards the nearby chunk of concrete on the floor.

She sat begrudgingly, letting Seras take her glasses off, as she went about evaluating the damage. She could feel the soft fabric of gloves brush her face, and despite her best effort to not wince, she did.

“I don’t think you’re going to die…” Seras offered, brushing a piece of glass from Integra’s bleeding eyelid. She couldn’t quite tell what had _actually_ happened in terms of the bullet, but it wasn’t as bad as it initially appeared, “I’ve seen enough death.”

“What happened to the mansion?”

“I… failed to protect it,” Seras slowly pulled her hands away, returning Integra’s glasses to their proper position, “The vampire managed to overpower most of the Wild Geese. And me.”

“There’s been enough failure for all of us…” Integra said.

“Some of them survived… and Pip… lives in me now… at least…” she glanced at her own shadowy arm, “We all lost something.”

Integra glanced at her hands, pulling off the ruined gloves to reveal her still pristine-hands. Some things were better left unsaid. Undetailed. “At least… for now. It’s over.” She was silent for a few more seconds, “If you feel Alucard return, you are to tell me immediately. The seals should _force_ him to return to the Hellsing mansion and wherever his seal is left, but your own bond with him should alert you.”

“I will, sir. I promise.” She believed Alucard would return, too, but it was still so bizarre. To be her very own vampire all at once, and have him disappear. Her worst fears confirmed, to an extent—that should that bond be broken, she would be alone—that he would leave. But some part of her knew. He would return. Even as Anderson had ripped him apart, he had still heard her. And it was more uncomfortable now, without her master, to face Sir Integra. The sense of security she had worked so hard to build obliterated with everything else.

Integra stood, staring towards the sun, still low and rising above the horizon. She reached into the pocket of her coat, revealing a final, broken cigar and tossed it to the ground, sighing. “I suppose now will mandate my smoking cessation.”

Despite the sheer horror of all they had been through, all the loss, all the terror, it was hard not to crack a slight giggle at the comment. “...Sir. I’d like to return to the center of London. Help the survivors…”

“I need to see what of the Hellsing archives have survived. Return here prior to sunset.”

“Of course, sir.”

## —

As Seras lept away, Integra turned back to face the mansion. Daylight casting over everything. The wreckage, the smoldering embers still glowing in the charred remains. The remains of the blimp that had crashed into it. All of it. Gone. She was almost grateful she hadn’t been there for it. She had seen everything else ripped from her, what was the point of adding another nightmare. And that the blaze had also destroyed the defacement, the death that had likely occurred. Bodies of both the alive and dead unrecognizable among the other ashes.

She stepped over the burnt wooden post, closer the center of the mansion. Each step made her more aware of the soreness in her legs, the ache in her chest, and sadness. The soreness could just as easily be put off to exhaustion, and the ache in her chest to be caused by the thick, unenjoyable smoke and ash in the air. But the sadness, the mourning, she could not escape.

Parts of the building still remained, somehow untouched, but hardly usable. The warmth was becoming near-unbearable as she searched for an entrance to the basement. She pushed aside the wood and burnt plaster from over a metal hatch—the door and stone still too hot to touch, she stopped. It could wait, at least. She continued to walk through the rubble, until she had crossed to where the back courtyard had once been. The concrete fountain is dry and in several unrecognizable pieces. The forest in the distance, at least, appeared to have been spared.

## 29 September 1999 4:12 pm - Hellsing Mansion

Cool air rushed through London as the sun rose, and survivors slowly moved among the wreckage, Seras carefully trying to appear somewhat normal, but at least managing to locate the remaining Wild Geese, who were ecstatic to have found her again. And apparently, along with taking Pip’s consciousness, she had also required much more of their respect.

The first signs of hope had been helicopters landing from outside London with supplies. And returning to the seen of the crime to see a particular symbol seeping blood on the ground. She took it, carefully covering it as she returned to the Wild Geese to tell them she was returning to the mansion, as well as gathering a few more supplies.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright, miss?”

“She can handle—”

“Sir Integra is at the mansion. I will be fine.”

“She’s alright?”

She nodded.

## —

The cooling evening air was making it much more bearable, at least. Although, not even twelve hours ago had the sun rose, and Alucard disappeared due to that damned cat thing. Gone. And now the sun was setting, filling the sky with another bath of red. Red like Alucard’s jacket. Red like the blood that had been shed. Red like the flames that consumed all of London. And now darkness was falling, the night sky unpolluted and unobstructed.

Seras landed, near Integra.

“Seras.”

“I got supplies. And the stone.”

“You’re back early,” Integra’s eyes landed on it, hands reaching for it. “...Thank you, Seras.”

Seras offered the bag as well, “There’s water… and stuff. Were you able to find what you were looking for?”

“Unfortunately, no. And I am not sure if the sublevels will even be safe… they appear to have been scorched with everything else,” she glanced at the bag, “It is good to see the government is offering relief.”

“The response is being managed,” Seras frowned, glancing back towards the remains, “I should be able to go down.”

## —

Seras pulled back the door, a rush of warm air coming up, but thankfully, no smoke. Seras looked down the stone staircase. Integra offered Seras back the sealed stone, “If his coffin is still there. Return this.”

Seras’s fang peaked over her lip, nervously taking it into her hands, and didn’t reply, descending down the staircase. Integra watched Seras disappear into the darkness, taking the passing time to search the bag Seras had provided. And as stated, it did contain some necessities for the night, including some much-needed water, and a torch. And thankfully, some pain medication. She sat on the edge, staring down the stairs.

It seemed over an hour passed when Seras did return, first appearing as a faint glowing red pair of eyes until she came into full view, “I… think a lot of it survived. It’s still quite warm. But… I return his seal.”

“Thank you. Do you think it will be possible to stay in one of the old rooms?”

“I didn’t check.”

Integra flicked on the torch, gathering up the rest of the supplies. “I’d rather not sleep out in the open.”

“We could return to central London... They’re setting up tents.”

Integra considered the option for a moment, shining the light down to the landing of the stairs, the lack of carnage was almost a relief. There was still the scent of death, but it appeared the invasion had not destroyed the sublevels in their entirety. The risk of repercussions from a public appearance was great enough though, to make this preferable.

“For tonight.”

Seras followed Integra, and apparently, her senses were all still in order as Integra made no complaints about the climate of the sublevels. Heat and smoke rising by nature had saved them and—for Integra, hopefully—the archives. As they came down a second flight, Integra pushed the wooden door open, and Seras recognized the hallway. She had never come down this flight of stairs to get to it, but the hallway in which her own room and coffin was. And she understood why Integra was so adamant about staying. Home. Part of her home was still here.

Seras let out a soft sigh, following Integra down the hallway, Integra opened the door to the dust-covered, but undamaged, room, shining the light around to make sure all was as it should be.

“Can you stay?”

“Hmm?” Seras said, raising her eyebrow, pulled from her daze.

“Can you stay?” she repeated herself.

“Oh,” Seras said, “Yes.”

“Thank you,” Integra slid off her coat and jacket, which had been draped over her shoulders. Both were coated in dried blood. Her shoes came off with ease, and Seras could not help but watch the motions, thinking of her own attire. Her arm (and most of her clothes) was now merely shadows. She wondered absently if it would ever be able to return to its original form. If the strange discomfort would ever fade. Her thoughts were interrupted by Integra fumbling with the torch as she attempted to remove her slacks.

“Seras?”

“Yes?”

“Can you hold the flashlight?”

“Yes,” she grabbed the flashlight from her hands, pointing it at the ground near Integra’s feet, hoping the reflected glow would be sufficient. It apparently was, because Integra slid off her slacks, belt, and broken rapier, setting the weapon on the bed, along with another small concealed pistol Seras did not even know Integra was carrying. Integra stepped away from where Seras had shone the flashlight like a spotlight and towards the bed. She sat back on it, removing the cracked glasses from her face, brushing her fingers over the taped gauze “I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep properly tonight.”

“I can stand guard outside,” Seras offered quietly, not sure how to comfort Integra.

“...Do that.”

“Of course sir,” she said, standing up, and left to go outside the door, and sit in the hallway. What she didn’t see or hear, even with her vampire vision and hearing, was the tears coming out of Integra’s good eye, even after she would fall into brief bouts of sleep between nightmares.

## 13 October 1999 - Report from Integra to the Convention and Her Majesty

Alucard has been missing in action for two weeks, and I am still recovering from an eye injury. Officer Seras Victoria and I are currently safe at the Hellsing Estate. I will complete my full report as soon as possible.

## 13 October 1999 - Integra’s Personal Journal

_The setting up of tents on the property has been a great help, as well as the beginning of a small structure. And additional guards. The convention has been convened at another location I have not been privy to, as I received a letter containing the decisions made. I don’t suppose much can be done at this time—phone service and utilities are still non-functional._

_Seras’s report, and two remaining Wild Geese’s are spartan to what happened to the mansion. I am sure there are more details, but for now they will suffice for reporting to the government and filing a claim. There is much I am still not certain of, although a portion of the mansion will hopefully be quickly built by the new year._

_I am… so tired. My wounds are healing, but I will never see out of my right eye again. But there is a great deal to focus on and a standard of the Hellsing family to uphold. Although it seems even that has been destroyed. There is no sign of Alucard, either. The stone remains unchanged where Seras placed it._

## 24 December 1999 10:08 pm - London

Seras’s boots left footprints in the shallow snow as she walked away from the parked motorcycle. The only light illuminating the street was a single Christmas light display at the far end. Even though the outskirts of London had survived, many people had died, and those who survived abandoned their broken homes. Houses were empty, and there was a lack of footsteps other than her own in the snow. There were no children’s snowmen, no trees in windows. Christmas Eve was nearly over, with Christmas starting in less than two hours, and it felt like there was no holiday. She would have blended in quite easily, if anyone bothered to celebrate, warm puffy coat and colorful gloves concealing the nature of her right hand.

Suiting the weather and occasion, her Hellsing uniform had been discarded for something far more casual and modest. It was not necessary for temperature, but to conceal the shadows that had been slowly trained to maintain an arm-like shape. Gloves had become something of a necessity, and the winter weather made such attire far less attention-drawing.

These late-night walks had become an escape from the loneliness she felt from Alucard’s disappearance. It was the nature of vampires, she supposed, that Alucard had spoke of. To walk the night alone— _powerful and singular._ She still believed he would return, of course. But, she still felt that tug of loneliness. Thus, she had sought out the only other unliving vampire she knew of for company for the first time since London. The only prior visit had been during the investigation, and although brief it had been comforting. She approached the door, knocking firmly, and the door fell open, and she stepped in.

She could see the older vampire sitting at her throne. She was sitting calmly with a book in one hand and a glass of something that was certainly blood in the other. The blood’s smell was foreign and unrecognizable. Around her, Helena’s library was as it always was, illuminated by a few candles and smelling of old books.

“Miss Helena.” She bowed slightly, and the door shut behind her. Seras took another step forward, and Helena set down the book on the side table, along with the glass after emptying it with a final drink, but she did not look up. The faint sound of a record player slowed to a stop, and Helena spoke, still looking at the floor.

“Seras Victoria. Why have you come to visit again?”

“Ah, Helena. I wanted… some answers,” she said, taking a few steps towards her.

Helena stood, walking towards her. Her footsteps were silent, and she did not reply. Once she was within distance, she extended her hand and placed it on Seras’s shadow arm. Seras could feel the vampire’s presence skipping over her thoughts like a rock on water. Her telepathy was gentle, but trained like a secretary with a rolodex. She pulled her hand away for a moment.

“Whatever your queries are, I cannot give you answers,” her voice was firm. “You are still with Hellsing.”

“Hel—”

“Need I remind you again how many of my friends have died because of Hellsing’s butchery,” her voice shifted from its usual monotone, faintly laced with anger and grief, “I allow you to visit out of trust. Your master is gone, Seras Victoria. You saw what occurred when most of London was destroyed. It would be best for you to leave out of respect for your unlife. If the ‘King of Vampires’ is disposable to Hellsing, what does that make his servant, Victoria?”

“Sir Integra’s not like that—” she protested, “it’s not her fault!”

“How quickly would she turn on you, Victoria? Enslave you as her ascendants did Dracula? You are very young and naive to believe otherwise. You are a servant vampire with no master,” Helena sighed, glancing at the nearby bookcase, “Find something or someone besides a human maiden to serve. Or learn to be alone. That is what is to be a vampire. You may have drank human blood, but you still remain a servant vampire. That is why your master wanted you to drink his blood. So you could be a true vampire and move freely.”

“She wouldn’t, and I don’t want to be alone…” she defended both Integra and her master, looking down again, “He’ll come back.”

Helena stepped away from Seras, and retrieved a book from her shelf. She idly turned the pages while choosing her words carefully before speaking, “Vampires do not have to be alone. I have my books. You have a familiar regardless of how desperately you repress him. You have you. You are young and have yet to learn that not everything humans know is true, there are many myths. False legends propagated by foolish mortals. Humans such as yours whose knowledge is based only on Dracula. It has been over a hundred years since it has occurred, but vampires can pair, vampires can bond. Master-servant bonds have been cut short or perverted by humans, such as the Hellsings, and pairings are too dangerous in the modern era.”

“Even so…” Seras felt a bit sad even thinking about it, “Where would I go? How would I feed? What about Int—”

Helena cut her off, flipping through the pages idly again. “The same way vampires survived in high society for centuries. There is animal blood. There are criminals. The dying. Seduction and hypnosis. The soil of the earth will always be your home. You will never escape the desire to serve without your master’s blood, but you can escape her. You must cease to follow after Abraham Van Helsing’s human descendent, as Dracula’s only unliving fledgling.”

“I couldn’t…”

Helena shut the book, dropping it to the floor. She turned to face Seras again, “Miss Victoria. I will not allow these visits to continue if you associate with Sir Hellsing.”

Seras kept her head bowed in both shame and respect. “I’m sorry, Helena.”

“Do not apologize for your choices. You made your choices, Miss Victoria. It is the Protestant Bible that says, ‘for all they that take the sword shall perish with the sword.’”

Seras bowed again, leaving as the door shut behind her, and returning to her motorcycle. The snow persisted in its flurries as she returned to the mansion, feeling oddly sad. And alone.

## 24 December 1999 11:14 pm - Hellsing Mansion

Upon returning to the property, her shadows followed her, sensing each area of the small rebuilt area of the mansion (a mix of tents, construction and manufactured housing) until she found Integra in her office. She could hear her heartbeat, soft and calm and rhythmic on the other side of the door. She knocked, and upon no response, entered. She wondered briefly when she would acquire the ability to be intangible like Alucard, but brushed the thought off when she saw Integra, face first in the papers on her desk. A cup of tea, now cold was still in her gloved hand. Her jacket had been removed and was draped over the back of her chair. Seras frowned at the sight; Integra was working late again.

She walked quietly over to Integra, prying the cup out of Integra’s hand. To her surprise, Integra did not rouse. Integra’s eye briefly fluttered open, but it was not visible to Seras. She started stacking them up, putting them back in the folder. Thankfully, they were numbered so she could return them to their proper order. She did not want to pick Integra up, out of justified fear of waking her. But she also wanted to put Integra to bed, so she could sleep properly.

“Sir Integra?” she said, tapping her shoulder.

Integra tensed, sitting upright, “Yes?”

“Ah, you fell asleep.”

Integra slumped forward again, resting her forehead on her hand. “I need to finish these. The newly appointed convention members are… certainly willing to exhaust Hellsing as a resource now. We need to hire more guards.”

“You need to rest,” Seras said.

“I really do not want to sleep. Nightmares.”

“I’m sorry.”

The groan of frustration answered Seras, followed by Integra’s sigh. She sat up and fixed her glasses on her face. “Sleeping on my desk is not particularly comfortable.” She stood, grabbing her jacket from the back of the chair.

Seras did not follow, and remained standing by the chair as Integra walked away.

Integra reached the door “I did not say you could not come with.”

Seras quickly took steps to catch up as Integra flicked off the lights in her office. She didn’t dare question Integra as she shut the office door behind her as Integra walked down the hallway.

“Seras?”

“Yes?”

“It is Christmas Eve. I would prefer not to spend it alone.”

Seras nodded, watching as Integra opened the door to her current spartan bedroom arrangements; her main bedroom was hardly even started, and while reconstruction was a constant effort, it still required time and supplies. She shuffled in behind Integra, closing the door, and watched as she undressed. The movements were familiar to Seras now. Integra removing her dress shoes, followed by her tie which was placed with the blazer on the end of the bed. Her other clothes came off with similarly practiced movements. She was too tired to pay attention to Seras, or care that she was being watched, as she slipped into her nightclothes. When she looked back up, the vampire was still standing by the door, wide-eyed and confused.

“Do you want to stay or not?”

“I can’t sleep properly during the night.”

“Sleep is difficult for everyone now,” Integra said, sitting on the mattress. Seras nodded and strode over to the bed while Integra dug in the nightstand. Integra pulled out a cigar, placing it between her lips and lighting it. She exhaled a puff of smoke, and spoke again, “I’ve been trying to quit.”

“How’s that going?” Seras sunk back into the mattress by Integra.

“It… is unpleasant,” she said, taking another drag from the cigar, “That’s what I get for chain-smoking through my teens.”

“Pip smokes inside my head sometimes.”

Integra chuckled, “How is it having a french mercenary inside your head?”

“I… manage.”

“I see,” she said.

“I’ve learned to better control him, and the shadows at least,” she smiled slightly.

“Do you resent me, Seras?”

“Hmm?”

“You lost your master, Seras. I know three months have passed,” she said as if having read Seras’s thoughts. Impossible, given that she was human, but it left Seras a bit speechless.

“You rescued and cared for me. You brought me back to the mansion and have stayed.”

 _‘You made your choice, Miss Victoria,’_ Helena’s voice echoed.

“And, Sir Integra... I don’t resent you. You’re my master’s master. You’ve provided for me. Hellsing is my home now.”

Integra was uncharacteristically silent, putting out her cigar on the ashtray. She wasn’t sure what response she was seeking out. Perhaps an answer Seras could not provide; an answer Integra could provide herself if chose to stop resenting herself. She laid back down, “Please turn off the lights.”

“Yes sir,” Seras got up very quickly to turn off the lights, coming right back to the bed.

“Thank you, Seras. Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Integra…”

Sleep found Integra relatively quickly in the darkness of the bedroom, leaving Seras to stand, or in this case, lay guard. She watched the rise and fall of Integra’s chest with each breath, and as she occasionally turned.

When Integra woke Christmas morning, the only sign the vampire’s presence was an indent on the other pillow. She reached into the nightstand retrieving her journal.


	2. Blood, Guts & Chocolate Cake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title from lyrics of Teen Idle  
> In which Seras tries to grow closer to Integra, and realizes she cares a bit more than she thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than I intended but certainly the correct length for what is covered

## 18 January 2000 11:16 pm - Hellsing Mansion

Seras returned from a brief mission; to destroy a newborn vampire found in the rebuilding area of London. Such occurrences were rare and random, and no longer lead to outbreaks or nearly as much destruction as they used to as they were identified and reported much faster due to recent reporting strategies changing. Although, the use of human forces in simple missions was still considered too much of a risk. Hellsing’s personnel were still limited and stationed in various areas to monitor, but not to engage with N.H.B. (non-human being) activity or to participate in rebuilding efforts. Seras all but flew between the buildings and tents knocking on the door of Integra’s room. Missions provided an opportunity for conversating, for bonding over debriefing.

“Come in.”

Seras opened the door, stepping into the room. Integra was on the far end, facing away from her by the windows that gazed out over what had once been London across the horizon, and the Hellsing estate. She was still wearing her usual suit attire even at the late hour. If she was waiting for Seras’s return, she would never admit it.

“The vampire was dealt with.”

“Excellent.”

Seras came across the room, joining Integra at the windows.

“Have you been able to retrieve memories from drinking blood, Seras?”

This was the second time Integra had brought the subject up, and Seras shrugged, “I haven’t drank from a human directly since Pip. I can’t access his memories. I can access him, but I’ve learned it’s better to repress him or else he drives me… batty.”

“You are drinking blood, correct?”

“I drink the transfusions when necessary and available. There have been shortages still,” she hesitated, “from the Battle at London.”

“I can’t tell when you’re not drinking enough blood. I expect you to keep yourself fed, Seras. If there is no blood available, I want you to inform me.”

“Yes,” Seras said, albeit reluctantly.

Integra pulled something from her pocket, its metallic appearance reflecting in the artificial warm light. It took a moment for Seras to recognize it as a letter opener. Her eyes were wide, watching Integra, and recognizing what she was about to do. She had tasted Integra’s blood once before a year ago, although it had been practically by force when she was still starving and newly dead.

“Sir Integra, I don’t—” she cut herself off as the smell of Integra’s blood hit her nose. She hadn’t even paid attention when Integra had pressed it to her finger, slicing it shallowly. The promise of something so much richer and filling than the cold bags of blood that were now only sometimes in the refrigerator filled the air, and she swallowed hard to avoid drooling.

Integra held her hand out, inches from the vampire’s face “You can drink, Seras. Don’t bite.”

She finally unclenched her jaw, something she hadn't registered she was doing, and licked Integra’s finger tentatively. The taste was so rich on her tongue, unlike any other human’s blood. She didn’t understand how Integra’s blood was different, and she didn’t particularly care as she latched on, eyes falling shut as she drank. And caused a strange hunger and warmth to fill her chest, sinking to her knees as she fed.

She could still hear Integra’s voice, clear as night and bringing her back, eliminating the strange sensation, “Did you see anything? Hear anything?”

“No,” she said, watching Integra’s reaction, “I’m sorry.”

“I see. Make sure you prioritize your health.”

“Yes sir.”

“I already told you, you don’t have to refer to me as sir anymore,” she glanced back out the window.

“It’s a habit,” Seras raised her eyebrow, teasing, “I’ll stop referring to you as sir when you quit smoking.”

Integra shot a glare, “That’s not your business.”

Seras smiled, looking back out the window, “Things are getting better, at least… Things in downtown London are starting to be recognizable again.”

“Are they?”

“You should accompany me. I know you’ve been staying crammed up here with paperwork and rebuilding process…”

“Perhaps. You’ve been handling missions quite well on your own.”

Seras sighed, sitting herself up on the windowsill, “I suppose. A lot of them are young, newborn vampires, though. Do you think it’s strange we haven’t encountered any older vampires?”

“I don’t think it’s too strange. Most of the vampires prior to London we encountered were relatively young.”

“Do you think there are older vampires?”

“I don’t believe so. Alucard, from my father’s research, was an exception for his age… that most vampires eventually lose themselves. And come to be destroyed by a human in their own arrogance.”

Seras was silent, looking down at her hand, contemplating. Helena’s existence was not something she dared to mention to Integra, but Helena was the only older vampire she knew of besides Alucard. And even Alucard had, to some degree, lost himself in the battle of London. She had even lost herself, at least once. “Do you think I’ll lose myself one day? Completely?”

“I don’t know. If you do, I will stop you.”

She wasn’t sure if that was a mercy or a threat, and didn’t care to continue contemplating, she hopped off the windowsill “It’s getting late. You should rest. Good night s—Integra.”

“Good night, Seras.”

Seras did a quick, forced bow before all but running out.

## 1999 - Hellsing Mansion

“Seras!”

She was lost in bloodlust and pure unadulterated rage, tearing through the ghouls. Engrossed in tearing limb from limb, crushing, razing their corpses. And then she heard her name, and the embrace of strong arms.

"Stop."

## 21 February 2000 10:04 am - Hellsing Mansion

“It’s your birthday?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you mention it or tell me?”

“It’s not important. And you are supposed to be down in the basement and asleep.”

“Do the maids know? Does anyone know?”

“No.”

“I can stay awake in the sunlight,” Seras said, placing her hands on Integra’s desk, “You’re twenty—” she cocked her head, suddenly realizing how little she actually knew about Integra besides observation, “How old are you?”

“Twenty-three.”

“It's your twenty-third birthday and we should celebrate."

Integra sighed, “If you insist.”

Seras brightened up, “Happy birthday then.”

The corner of Integra’s lip turned up slightly, the pen in her hand briefly pausing.

“I’ll come up with some way to celebrate,” she said, “I do want some rest though. I’ll see you later.”

## 21 February 2000 3:29 pm - London

Seras (unsurprisingly) did not go to sleep for long after leaving Integra’s office, instead waking only a few hours later to depart from the mansion to shop. She looked through the glass case at the cakes. She could see the reflection of someone walking past her in the reflection; she had forgotten how pleasant it was just to be among the living. And as she looked over the cakes, she realized she hardly recalled what food tasted like. She felt a pang of sadness. She couldn’t even remember what the last human food she had enjoyed prior to being turned.

“Can I help you pick something, miss?”

She glanced up, “Yes. I’m picking out a cake… for my boss's birthday.”

“Do you know what he likes?”

Seras glanced over the cakes again, “...they drink a lot of tea. I don’t know.”

“How many people?”

“A couple.”

The employee nodded, pointing, “These chocolate cakes are very popular, especially for couples.” She smiled, “Just a boss?”

“Just a boss,” Seras said, “That one will work.”

“I’ll box it up for you. Anything else? Something written on it?”

“No. Thank you though.”

The cashier smiled, ringing Seras up at the register, handing her the bag, “Have a nice day miss.”

“You too.”

She walked back towards the parking lot when something caught her eye. _Perfect_.

## 21 February 2000 4:25 pm - Hellsing Mansion

The return ride was exceedingly careful, Seras setting the cake box on the counter and finding both a plate, fork, and trying to also find a candle. She finally found a candle, although it was just a tea light. And with cake in one hand, bag in the other, she made her way to Integra’s office, not bothering to wait for a response after knocking as she came in. Or to delay immediately bursting into song, only stopping as she set the cake down on the desk and realizing Integra was looking at her, part-exasperated but the corner of her lip twitched up as Seras stared at her for a moment.

“You’re supposed to blow the candle out and make a wish.”

“I know. I was distracted by the singing.” She leaned down, blowing out the tea candle, “Thank you though.”

“Did you think I wouldn’t actually do it?”

“I’ve just never had someone wish me a happy birthday with such flourish.”

“It only happens once a year. And I have something for when you’re finished with the cake.”

Integra took the fork, taking a bite, “It’s very good. Thank you, Seras.”

Seras grabbed a chair, sitting down across from Integra, “You’re welcome. Happy birthday.” She set the gift bag on the desk.

Integra set the fork down, reaching for the bag, removing the tissue, and pulling out a dark purple tie and golden tie pin. The corner of Integra’s lips turned up, “Thank you. It’s beautiful.”

“I noticed you always wear the same one.”

Integra set it aside, returning to eating cake. It was a lovely gift—she hardly wore anything outside of her usual attire. Even more lovely, though, was the comfortable feeling of Seras caring for her. She looked at Seras, thinking.

“I should return this in some way, I suppose.” she reached around in her drawers, finding a letter opener.

“You don’t need to…”

“You can’t eat cake,” she pressed the letter opener to her fingertip, just enough to pierce the skin before holding her hand out over the desk. A single drop of blood hit wood before Seras leaned in to feed. A bit more personal, she supposed, than a gift or cake and not really necessary given that blood supply had increased. She felt Seras’s shadowy hand wrap around her wrist loosely. Seras pulled away after a minute, looking at Integra’s hand and then back at her. A tension of sorts becoming palpable between them as they stared back at each other. “Thank you…”

“Of course,” she slowly pulled her hand away, “I think I will retire early tonight.”

Seras nodded, “Good night, then.” She reached for the empty plate, “I’ll take care of this. The rest of it is in the refrigerator.” She quickly left to dispose of the candle and wash the dish, pondering the interaction as soapy water covered her hand. Reaching for Integra’s hand, wondering what it would have felt like to keep holding it. The odd face Integra had made while she fed. Strange thoughts, really, for her boss and former master’s boss. She set the plate on the drying rack. That was that.


	3. If It's Worth It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song title from (If It’s) Worth It demo by Marina. It really fits this chapter, and attachment theory in general (for more commentary on this read ending author’s note).

## 7 March 2000 10:39 am - Hellsing Mansion

The maid offered her a stack of papers, followed by a tray of tea, “Here you are sir.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course sir,” the maid left with a bow, leaving Integra to slowly start opening the letters and sift through the papers over morning tea. Which of course, was always a lengthy process. Always letters sent to her, forwarded from the government. Many of them grim reminders of the carnage she was held responsible for. The financial costs, the deaths likely to affect generations to come, and cultural losses. The cover-up had hardly been foolproof, and citizens were still growing more conspiratorial.

As such, Seras’s work had become increasingly solo, and staff rehired went through increasingly stringent background checks. The last maid had been fired after attempting to gain access to the Hellsing library, allegedly to just sweep up, but Integra had grown slightly paranoid of anyone damaging the few Hellsing relics that remained.

Among the less important letters was a large orange envelope. She opened it, along with the black file inside, showing pages of a recent report. It was a rather common occurrence to receive reports of individuals found appearing to have died from hemorrhagic shock, but this case appeared to be different-because the individuals involved were hunting vampires. At least reports were reaching Hellsing faster to prevent extensive damage.

“Typical... Common folk getting involved in things that they cannot handle,” she spoke out loud to herself with a sigh as she read over it, along with the accompanying copies of graphic images. Even colored photos hardly seemed to shock her anymore regardless of the gory detail.

## Report Summary

Date: 27 February 2000

File ref no: C4-184

Summary: 5 individuals were found armed with wooden poles and unapproved ammunition and firearms in the Hatfield Forest (Essex) attempting to search out alleged vampire(s). Police were contacted due to alleged gunfire and no harm was caused, weapons were seized.

Date: 3 March 2000

File ref no: C4-189

Summary: The death of an individual in case C4-184 E*** B***** (28F) was reported under mysterious circumstances in Hatfield Forest, with multiple internal organs missing and autopsy suggested extreme blood loss despite no severe external harm. The investigation is ongoing, and the family has taken on burial arrangements at this time.

Date: 6 March 2000

File ref no: C4-201

Summary: The death of three additional individuals in connection to case C4-184 in identical circumstances to those in C4-189, J** M****, K*** B****, R*** W**** has led to contacting the only remaining individual E*** T**** under protective custody and monitoring at this time. 

## 7 March 2000 11:19 am - Hellsing Mansion

She took a sip of tea, starting to stack the papers in their original order. It was a bit odd that they were also missing some organs. Not as strange as other cases. Otherwise, it was typical of vampire activity. An initial victim and escalation soon after as they lost themselves to the passions of bloodlust. Integra sighed, setting it aside to sort through the rest. Trivial things, really. She could send Seras off soon enough, although given the circumstance… accompanying her was probably in her best interests. And to get away from the mansion for some time.

She handed off a letter to the maid to fax to the convention members with the report to be dealt with on the bureaucratic level. That was one thing she had not expected to be so overwhelming in regards to Walter’s work for her. Despite his eventual betrayal, he (to her knowledge) always handled sifting through and sending off the repetitive paperwork. She lit a cigar, reminiscing quietly.

## 8 March 2000 12:02 am - In Transit, London to Essex

Integra offered the envelope, “I know I was quite vague… about details. It’ll be simple. Find and destroy it. And not disrupt the nearby people.”

Seras made herself quite comfortable in the passenger’s seat, reviewing the report. “More and more people are trying to find vampires… There weren’t any puncture marks noted, either.”

“They may have been missed.”

Seras shrugged, “And missing organs. No ghouls, either.”

“Yes.”

Seras was quiet, reviewing the packet. “Seems a bit bizarre, although everything else is typical. Do you think it’s a vampire?”

“Whatever _it_ is, we will deal with it,” Integra said.

Seras nodded, “Perhaps you’ll get your gloves dirty this time.”

“...Yes.”

There was an awkward pause in the conversation, Seras shoving the papers back in the envelope and tossing it in the back, “Anything else I should know?”

“They have the ‘survivor’ in custody… and should nothing be uncovered tonight, we will interview her.”

“Well, it sounds good that she hasn’t been caught or killed yet. Although...Is it... Sometimes… nevermind.”

“What?”

“Just. All the death. Still. That’s it.”

“I…” Integra sighed. Seras did always just come out and say it. “If you’re wondering if you grow used to it, you don’t.” Almost as if forgetting Seras was there, beside her in the battle of London. The wound was still fresh, despite (most) of Seras’s physical wounds healing. Although Integra seemed to have allowed it to scar over and stiffen, becoming a deeper pain.

“It’s… easy to kill something that’s killed others.”

“Indeed,” Integra let the car ride return to silence, reaching into her pocket and lighting a cigar. Despite cutting back, it appeared some habits did not die easily, either. Seras looked back out the window, thinking. About London. About her work for Hellsing. About Integra. About Helena. About all of it really. She rarely dwelled on such thoughts, usually preferring to skip past them and focus on anything else.

## 1999 - Rio De Janeiro, Brazil

“Seras. Prepare for battle.”

“But…”

“Seras, what’s the matter? Get a move on.”

“But… master…” her voice still shook as she took careful steps towards him. She hated the blood and gore beneath her feet, the way it both called to and repulsed her. It was still _too much._ “...they’re humans.” It was nothing like what they had been doing before. Killing vampires, killing _things_ that killed others. Despite being, by all accounts, one of those _things_.

“So what?”

“They’re humans.”

“And so what, Draculina?” the grip on her shirt was tight, frightening. His voice was stern, “When someone is firing at you, it doesn't matter if they’re human or not. They came here simply to be killed, slaughtered, and sent to their graves where they can rot. That’s all. That’s all this is. There’s no getting around it. It is the one truth nobody can deny… not God, the devil, or you.”

She trembled again, “But… even so, they…”

His gaze softened slightly, but he could not give her the reassurance that what they were right—if even justifiable. “That’s just the way it is. They…”

“Master…”

He had already turned away, “Come on Seras, follow me into the darkness, you little scaredy-cat.”

## 8 March 2000 12:32 am - Essex

Seras managed to collect her thoughts well enough to focus again when they arrived.

 _Why is it_ ** _always_ **_forests_? 

“They were all found here?”

“Yes.”

Seras darted forward into the wooded land, and turning her head to glance at Integra following, “I can’t sense anything. At all.” She sighed softly, trying to use her senses to find anything. Blood, death, whatnot. She could feel the rats, the bugs on the forest floor, night creatures of all kinds moving about. Usually a background to the presence of a vampire. If this _was_ a vampire—it either wasn’t here or was exceptional at hiding.

Seras and Integra ventured further through the forest, trench coat brushing the branches on the ground. Seras moved quite a lot faster, a bit surprised that nothing had come out to challenge her, or attack either of them.

“There’s nothing. Just… nothing.”

“The police didn’t provide a specific location for their deaths.”

“There’s so much forest…” she said rather quietly, resting her hand against the tree.

“We can interview the survivor in the morning and evaluate the remains.”

Seras nodded, “It just doesn’t add up still.”

“I find it more suspicious now. We can stay in a hotel for the rest of the night.”

“I forgot you need to sleep,” she said, glancing back in the woods. It wasn’t like any of the other missions as of late. Usually, the young vampires would all but leap out at her in wreckless excitement to attack another vampire. And quickly be destroyed, destroying their ghouls in the process. Quick and effective.

## 8 March 2000 1:14 am - Essex

The drive back towards the main area of the city was thankfully quick and without incident, Integra checking them into the hotel and Seras helping with her things.

"Are we going to separate tomorrow?”

“The interview and the remains?”

Seras nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed as Integra shed her outer layers.

“I can deal with the interview. The information about the coroner’s office is in the report. I’d like you to go investigate. The report was rather undetailed. And to make sure they are truly dead.”

“This keeps getting stranger.”

“Indeed,” she took off her tie, sitting back on the edge of the other bed. “What are your suspicions?”

“I’m not sure,” Seras said, “I can’t think of any supernatural creature that rips out random internal organs and drains victims of their blood. I suppose vampires _could_ but it just seems strange. And to not come out right away to face me on what they likely view as their territory.”

“An older vampire.”

Seras thought of Helena, “It could be…” She was rather insistent though—despite banishing Seras and having a ’difficult to understand, prattling vernacular’—that vampires survived by maintaining a low profile in high society. And she seemed rather elegant. It was hard to imagine an older vampire like her engaging in such random binging violence. In fact, come to think of it, nearly all the vampires she encountered seemed rather young. “That doesn’t explain them not being detectable…” she sighed, “I suppose daytime may make it a bit easier in some ways and more difficult in others.”

“Thank you for the insight,” Integra disappeared around the corner towards the bathroom to change.

Seras laid back against the bed, hearing the sound of running water of Integra washing her hands, as she combed back over the report once more, occasionally glancing at the light of the ceiling. And then her own shadowy hand. Another elder vampire certainly would be interesting. And incredibly dangerous. The footsteps of Integra returning to bed hardly interrupting her reading. And the lighting of a cigarette (of course Integra would pick a hotel that allowed smoking, but Seras did not have it in her to chastize Integra for her ongoing struggle with abstaining).

"Why did you decide to come with?"

"I used to go on missions more frequently."

"Do you miss it?"

"Sometimes. There's a lot to miss, I suppose," she put out the cigar, "Good night, Seras."

Seras glanced up, "Good night sir."

She flicked off the light, although Seras could still see perfectly clear without it. And could hear Integra shifting about trying to fall asleep _anyway._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yours truly the author clearly has a new interest that includes picking apart their own work(s)!  
> On attachment theory & this chapter. Seras is seeking reassurance on philosophical questions and both Integra is struggling to offer it. Both are struggling with expecting the other to change the situation. Something I’ve struggled with a lot on both ends. A more secure choice for Seras might have been to ask herself that/those question(s) or voice specifically her need for reassurance. A more secure choice for Integra might be to get curious to why Seras is asking that/those question(s) or to voice her discomfort with the conversation. Both the choices they made were insecure primarily from the expectation for the other to change, though, not the choices themselves. I look forward to continuing to write the fluctuations in their relationship and comment on it!  
> If you have insight, comments, questions, whatever, please feel free to comment or message me on tumblr. Kudos are always much appreciated, too <3


End file.
